Gemengde Grappe

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*This is Absolutely Brilliant*

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

And Congratulations you have learnt German within minutes..

 

One day at school….

Teacher: Venkat, answer me. What do you wanna be when you grow up.

Venkat : Teacher, I wish to become a very rich man. My business should be in all major cities. I should buy a big bungalow. I will always travel by air. Wherever I go into should stay in 5 star hotels. There should be minimum 10 servants to take care of my needs. I should own the costliest car. I should have the costliest diamond.

Teacher: Stop Venkat. Students, henceforth you should not give such lengthy answer. Please reply in a sentence. Ok. Now you tell me Pooja. What do you want to be?

Pooja: Venkat ‘s wife ….

 

Herman Breedt’s contribution about the H&M saga simply has to be shared:

There was once a huge, massive global retailing company with in the region of 4500 stores and more than 130000 staff worldwide.

At the same time in a “shithole” right at the very Southern end of the African continent there was a small political party comprised mostly of young thugs who loved nothing more than a good revolution, any revolution would do, as long as it could let them work up a good rage and physically destroy something to make them feel as if they are accomplishing worthwhile stuff. Their favourite colour was red.

Then the global retailers made an advertisement that really upset a lot of people. They should have given it a lot more thought, but failed to. Their marketing department to be precise. Not one of the thousands of stores worldwide.

The red wearing, always foaming at the mouth about something little political party, in their infinite wisdom (sic) decided it was a great opportunity to use that excuse, albeit handed to them on a platter by the global retailer, to show the world how brave and fearless they are.

So they protested at a whole bunch of the retail shops in various malls. Which was still no problem at all, since the country had more protests per minute than the average country had in a year so it was just another day.

Until the brave and fearless red fighters decided it was time to REALLY step up the game and thrashed several stores. They really, really showed those store mannequins how tough they are. They broke stuff, looted a little bit, acted all tough and fierce for the inevitable social media videos, and totally thrashed the shops. Their fierce leaders wholeheartedly endorsed their actions. In a revolution, anything goes after all.

They angrily told the global retailer to close the shops or they will continue their brave revolutionary actions against the shops. They pranced around and acted all tough and showed the world their mettle.

The global retailer shook in their boots.

Ok not really but the little political party sure told themselves that. And their egos purred like contented kittens.

The global retailer paused for a moment from counting their billions and decided that a handful less shops are no biggie. They can always open more in other countries where the dancing, prancing little political party could not get at them.

And they closed down their shops in the country.

The joy of the little political party knew no bounds. They sang and danced and held news conferences proclaiming how they will bring down any and all racist business, or any other -ist because one must remember that the fierce fighters are angry about pretty much everything that moves, breathes or takes up a space of more than 2 cubic centimeters. Their egos bristled with their own importance. They applauded themselves for weeks.

Meanwhile the employees of the stores that got closed down were desperately trying to find work again in an already faltering economy. The same employees who had nothing at all to do with the offending ad.

The leaders of the brave fighters of the little political party spun doughnuts in the street in their BMW X5’s and E class Mercedes cars, telling themselves how they really showed those racists!

Back at the headquarters of the global retailer, a whole marketing division helped to plan the launch of new shops in other countries in the twelve months following, while the Directors tried to remember if they have 4500 shops after “that little hiccup” or 4535? Or something.

And they drove to their ten million dollar homes in their Maybachs, sipping Moët from crystal glasses and thinking about buying that island after all.

 

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him earnestly.

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him “How does that feel?”

He replied “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

 

Skattie,het jy al ooit ‘n opgefrommelde
R20 noot gesien?” vra die vrou, toe haar man na werk by die huis kom.
“Nee,” sê haar man.
Sy gee hom so ‘n seksie kykie en trek stadig ‘n gefrommelde R20 noot tussen haar borste uit.
“Skattie,het jy al ooit ‘n opgefrommelde R50 gesien?” vra vroulief.
“Uh,nee,” sê hy,so ‘n bietjie meer nuuskierig.
Sy gee hom weer so ‘n stoute knipoog en steek verleidelik haar hand voor by haar broek in en trek ‘n gefrommelde R50 noot uit.
“Sê my,het jy al ooit drie honderd duisend rand opgefrommel gesien?” sê sy.
“Nee,” sê hy, nou regtig al erg opgewonde!!
“Wel,gaan kyk dan in die garage…..!

 

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

” Marion …. Marion ”

“Is that you, Bob?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you’d be proud – lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon. After supper, it’s back to golf course again.

Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”

“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”

“No — I’m a Rabbit in Scotland

 

 

 

 

 

 

A young Benoni woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbour at the V & A Waterfront.
Just before she could throw herself from the dock, a handsome young man from Parow stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the man.
“I’m a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on our ship.
I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied.
“He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ..”
“I see,” the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Robben Island ferry”

 

 

 

BLACK PANTIES

Jane lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Jane says she’ll go out, but doesn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it’s an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as does he. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, while he is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, “Why the black panties?” She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.

The following night the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit…except that he has a black condom over his erection. She looks at him and asks,

“What’s with the black condom?”

He replies, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

 

 

 

A lady went into a doctors office and during her examination the doctor noticed a cross on her neck. The doctor curious about the cross began a conversation with his patient and asked..

“I see you wear a cross around your neck, are you a Christian”?

“Yes” the lady responded to which the doctor replied..

“I am a Catholic and I am disappointed with born again Christians”..

“Why”? The lady replied..

The doctor replied in anger “Because you all talk about Jesus and how great He is but yet you never talk about His mother and I find that offensive”..
After a moments silence the lady responded and said..

“Doctor can I ask you something”?
“Of course” He replied
The lady smiled and said “Doctor if I make my next appointment and you are not available can I ask for your mother to come and see me instead”?

Horrified the doctor replied “Of course you can’t. I’m the one who studied medicine. I’m the one who is qualified not my mother, she may have given birth to me but I’m the one who studied and became qualified. She knows nothing about medicine”…

The lady responded with a smile and said..

“That’s why I talk about Jesus and not Mary. She didn’t qualify to be my Saviour, she didn’t die and rise again and she didn’t pay the price for my sins”….. (Moet dit net deel.)

 

Wrong use of the word ‘Fuck’.

Wife has broken her leg and her Hubby comes home after work.

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine.

Hey, do me a favour. Go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are freezing.

Hubby goes upstairs and sees Wife’s hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls.

Sisters: Prove it!

Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey, both of them??

Wife: (Shouting back): Of course! What’s the point of only fucking one??

Absolute Classic!!

 

 

Winnie Mandela walked up to Margaret Thatcher yesterday somewhere up there and introduced herself she said:” Hello, Margaret, what a priviledge to meet you. I am Winnie Mandela, the Iron Lady of South Africa. Margaret looked at Winnie with a smile and said: ” That’s lovely my dear! Who do you iron for?”

 

A Shocking story!!!
A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl’s father came to know about their love,
he did not like it at all & so began to protest about it.
Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a
happy future.
The girl’s father started searching for the two lovers but could not
find them.
At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home by placing an advert in a
local newspaper. Her father said “If you both come back I will allow
you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly.”

So in this way, their love won and they returned home.
The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed
in white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other
side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he
died on the spot
The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometime that she recovered from her shock.
The funeral and cremation was the very
next day because he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl’s mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter’s dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream.

The next night her father had the same dream and he also ignored it.

Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in
fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately.
She washed the stains but some remained.
Next night she again had the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained.

Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something
will happen.
This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.

She was very tired.
Late that evening, while she was alone at home, someone knocked at the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady from her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted.

The old lady woke her up… and gave her a blue box, which shocked the
girl.
She asked “What is this…?”
The old lady replied…

OMO Washing powder… it will remove all stubborn stains!!!”

Don’t start swearing at me …
I’m also hunting for the idiot who mailed this to me…

 

 

 

Era of Big Data.
_______
Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?

No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza.

Did I dial the wrong number?

No sir, Google bought the pizza store.

Oh, alright – then I’d like to place an order please.

Okay sir, do you want the usual?

The usual? You know what my usual is?

According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust.

Okay – that’s what I want this time too.

May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?

No, I hate vegetables.

But your cholesterol is not good.

How do you know?

Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Maybe so, but I don’t want the pizza you suggest – I already take medicine for high cholesterol.

But you haven’t taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago you purchased from Drugsale Network a box of only 30 tablets.

I bought more from another drugstore.

It’s not showing on your credit card sir.

I paid in cash.

But according to your bank statement you did not withdraw that much cash.

I have another source of cash.

This is not showing on your last tax form, unless you got it from an undeclared income source.

To HELL With Ur Pizza..!!
ENOUGH!!
I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp. I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me …

I understand sir, but you’ll need to renew your PASSPORT … it expired 5 weeks ago.

 

 

 

PRICELESS!

They’re not happy in Gaza ..
They’re not happy in Egypt ..
They’re not happy in Libya ..
They’re not happy in Morocco ..
They’re not happy in Iran ..
They’re not happy in Iraq ..
They’re not happy in Yemen …
They’re not happy in Afghanistan …
They’re not happy in Pakistan ..
They’re not happy in Syria ..
They’re not happy in Lebanon …

SO… WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They’re happy in Australia ..
They’re happy in Canada ..
They’re happy in England ..
They’re happy in France ..
They’re happy in Italy ..
They’re happy in Germany ..
They’re happy in Sweden ..
They’re happy in the USA ..
They’re happy in Norway ..
They’re happy in Holland ..
They’re happy in Denmark ..

Basically, they’re happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN !

AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can’t help wondering…
How damned dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
– No Christmas
– No television
– No nude women
– No football
– No pork chops
– No hot dogs
– No burgers
– No beer
– No bacon
– Rags for clothes
– Towels for hats
– Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
– More than one wife
– More than one mother-in-law
– You can’t shave
– Your wife can’t shave
– You can’t wash off the smell of donkeys
– You cook over burning camel sh!t
– Your wife is picked by someone else for you
– and your wife smells worse than your donkey
– Then they tell them that “when they die, it all gets better”???

Well No Shit Sherlock!….
It’s not like it could get much worse!

 

 

 

There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’

The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter…

Mess with seniors, and you’re going to lose….(yep, sure are)

 

 

Hilarious. ……

2 tamil brahmin men get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears 1 of them say the following:

“Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time.”

The lady can’t take this any more and shouts “You foul- mouthed Indian, in this country we don’t speak aloud in public places about our personal lives however extraordinary they are.”

“Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man. “I am a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell Mississippi .”

(I swear you’re gonna read this again) .

 

 

 

If wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad and uncomfortable.

If husband wants wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable and happy.

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

A Philosopher HUSBAND said:

Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband.

“Miss” for first year and “Stress” for rest of the life.

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married?

That was common sense leaving your body.

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Son: Dad, l got selected for a role in a play for annual day!

Dad: What role are you playing?

Son: A husband!

Dad: Stupid, ask for a role with dialogues!

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Man outside phone booth: “Excuse me, you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven’t spoken a word”.

Man inside: “I am talking to my wife!”

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

A very intelligent girl was asked the meaning of marriage. She said, “sacrificing the admiration of hundred guys, to face the criticism of one idiot.”

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

Position of a husband is just like a Split Air-Cond. No matter how loud he is outdoor, he is designed to remain silent indoor!
Baas aan koos:Ek was n doos die dag wat ek jou aangestel het!Koos:Ek het dit gesien maar ek het gedink meneer sou verander!!!

 

 

“Tell Her Yourself”
A lady went to a salon to dress her hair. While dressing her hair, she noticed a handsome man sitting quietly in the shop. Suddenly the lady turned to the man and said Mr., you are so handsome can we meet later today? Man replied ‘I’m married’. The woman continued; “and so? You can just tell your wife you’re going to visit a friend in the hospital and from there”………
and the man replied;
“Tell her yourself, she’s the one doing your hair”.

 

I spent R39000 on a boob job for the wife. She was absolutely delighted!
I spent another R27000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic!
I spent R22000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon!
I spent R50 on a blow job for myself and she goes f#cking mental!
Women!!!

 

Gatiep lê kaal op die strand met net ‘n hoed om sy privates te bedek.
‘n Dame loop verby en sê: “As jy ‘n gentleman was, sou jy jou hoed gelig het.”
Gatiep gee haar so ‘n moerse skewe kyk en sê: “As djy nie so lelik was nie, het die hoed homself gelig!”

 

Oom Boet sit een aand tuis vor die TV en vreet peanuts. Hy skiet dit in die lug op en vang dit met sy mond. Terwyl hy nog een in die lug in opskiet vra sy vrou vir hom ‘n vraag. Toe hy sy kop draai om haar te antwoord, kom die peanut af en land in sy oor. Hy probeer dit uitkry maar druk dit net dieper in. Vroulief probeer help maar niks werk nie. Hulle besluit om hospitaal toe te gaan en net toe die tannie haar handsak het, kom hulle dogter en haar nuwe boyfriend terug van die movies af. Die jong laitie offer toe om die oom te help. Hy laat die oom sit, druk sy vingers in sy neusgate op en tune hom om te blaas. Die peanut skiet by die oom se oor uit en almal is moerse happy. Die tannie bied vir die seun aandete aan. Later toe hy weg is tune sy haar man: “Dis ‘n oulike seun. Ek wonder wat hy gaan word as hy ouer is.”

Die omie antwoord terug: “Tien teen een ons skoonseun. Jy moes sy vingers geruik het”

 

 

 

 

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: “‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am”. The man below replied “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude”.

“You must be a technician.” said the balloonist. “I am” replied the man “how did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip with your talk.”

The man below responded, “You must be in management”. “I am” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the man “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fucking fault!

🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊🎊

 

Ek het nou die dag buite gesit en heel ordentlik my vrou gevra om vir my ‘n koue bier te kry……. Syt my net kak aan gekyk en verder gras gesny?

 

 

 

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